Here we go again. So I'm researching my next big thing (the one coming up after Lights, Camera, Love...?), and sadly, spending way too much time browsing the personals. Yeah, the personals. In the interest of making my life easier, here are some quick tips on creating the perfect profile:
1- Don't assume you're hot. Okay, let's face it, if you were all that and a bag of chips, more than likely you wouldn't have the free time to be shopping online. Be honest. I mean, if your pic has a pornstache, you're not "the great American god".
2- Don't pose with your kid! Okay, I know all of you parents out there are kid happy and that's great. Really. But I don't want to see your head obscured by some cute little munchkin. I promise you my biological clock isn't ticking that loudly.
3- The word is WRITE, not wright, not right. "I don't know what to write here." Well, if you can't even write that correctly, just go away. Far away. Or at least get a proofreader!
4- Don't advertise that you live with your parents. Yes, we've all been there -- but let's not point that out first. That's something you drop on a girl on the second date... honest. If she cares, she'll ask before that, I promise.
5- Don't post your ugliest picture and then say you want "a tight girl with a hot face"... see #1.
6- Don't always be yourself. At least not completely. Try to remember that dating is like a good mystery. Give the reader a taste (ew! not that way), and make them want more. DON'T LIE, just don't admit you still need a nightlight BEFORE you show off your mad scrabble skills or ability to quote massive amounts of movie dialogue.
Lead with your strengths, people. And that's it... just be honest, have fun and for the love of God, wear a shirt in your profile pic!
Monday, October 01, 2007
No refunds, and sadly no exchanges.
So we all know this supposed to be a site about metaphorically dating the ex, right? Because really doing it? Not a smart idea. And we're smart women, right? Yeah, not always. Today we're going to talk about smart girls gone stupid or, as I like to think of it, going back to hell.
You all know the drill: Charm boy comes back with his hat in his hands (and he is the type to wear a hat, he's charming, get it?) and tells you he's changed. Now see, Charm Boy is smart, too. He's not gonna ask you for a second chance, he's going to weasel his way in.
He'll start by telling you he's dating fabulous women. This is a lie, if he were, he wouldn't be talking to you. No offense, but that's not the game. Then, he'll tell you he's been introspective, maybe even been to therapy. Honey, if he has, he hasn't learned a thing. And then, he becomes the perfect friend -- and the women dry up. He's looking for a family, a big love, whatever it is you've always wanted. And before you know it, you're inviting him over for dinner -- and he's staying for breakfast.
Oh, you'll tell your friends it's not a relationship. And they'll point out that it's as close as you're getting right now. And you'll blush and realize it is. And then he'll let it slip that he still loves you. And that, is the middle of hell. Months will pass, he'll be perfect, you'll be in love. But suddenly, it's gonna grab you in the ass, I promise.
There will be a new girl that catches his fancy and you'll end up back in the pop-tart aisle. So, how does a girl know for sure? Well, first of all, he won't tell you he's changed. The Changed Man will no longer try to charm you. He'll start by apologizing and realizing he's a screw-up. And there won't be a line of fantastic girls for him to tell you about.
Ladies: if he really wants you back, he'll just be trying for you. So, keep your eyes open and your heart shut, until you're really sure your Charm Boy has become a Changed Man.
As House says: Everybody lies.
You all know the drill: Charm boy comes back with his hat in his hands (and he is the type to wear a hat, he's charming, get it?) and tells you he's changed. Now see, Charm Boy is smart, too. He's not gonna ask you for a second chance, he's going to weasel his way in.
He'll start by telling you he's dating fabulous women. This is a lie, if he were, he wouldn't be talking to you. No offense, but that's not the game. Then, he'll tell you he's been introspective, maybe even been to therapy. Honey, if he has, he hasn't learned a thing. And then, he becomes the perfect friend -- and the women dry up. He's looking for a family, a big love, whatever it is you've always wanted. And before you know it, you're inviting him over for dinner -- and he's staying for breakfast.
Oh, you'll tell your friends it's not a relationship. And they'll point out that it's as close as you're getting right now. And you'll blush and realize it is. And then he'll let it slip that he still loves you. And that, is the middle of hell. Months will pass, he'll be perfect, you'll be in love. But suddenly, it's gonna grab you in the ass, I promise.
There will be a new girl that catches his fancy and you'll end up back in the pop-tart aisle. So, how does a girl know for sure? Well, first of all, he won't tell you he's changed. The Changed Man will no longer try to charm you. He'll start by apologizing and realizing he's a screw-up. And there won't be a line of fantastic girls for him to tell you about.
Ladies: if he really wants you back, he'll just be trying for you. So, keep your eyes open and your heart shut, until you're really sure your Charm Boy has become a Changed Man.
As House says: Everybody lies.
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